delete

today my grandpa died. i donno, i don't have much to say about it. i like to picture his cute wrinkled face lighting up and announcing "aha! here comes princess aubrey!", i like to imagine him dancing around with my aunt johanna and kicking his legs up to a rhythm that never quite matched the song, his perpetual picture-taking, and his endearing mannerisms when he addressed our family with some quiet superfluous words of wisdom.

i've cried a lot, but i keep reminding myself that eventually everyone's grandparents die. eventually everyone's parents die. everyone's siblings die. everyone dies. in 100 years, everyone i know on this earth will be dead.

i just wish my boyfriend would have asked me about it so i could attempt to communicate verbally instead of releasing everything into this stupid blog. but he didn't, and i didn't, and here i am.

boring boring boring

if i were more spontaneous i would drive to california with my boyfriend tonight.

the opposite of war

i've never watched the superbowl.

my dad used to say that the superbowl was for people who attended "the church of the NFL," which is a phrase coined by john by-the-way. (i want to marry someone exactly like john by-the-way, except hotter and with a better last name.)

anyway, the point is, after 20 years of keeping the sabbath day holy (according to my parent's standards), one of my classes here at BYU is requiring that i watch the entire thing. i think there will be a fair amount of guilt and my parents' voices echoing in my head during the fateful moment that i concede to attend the church of the NFL.

dreams dreams

this morning i woke up and even though the white walls of my room were reflecting the glow of the morning sun, sparkling snow was lazily descending from a luminous sky, and i had conveniently slept through my least favorite class, i felt a wave of anxiety because it was the last place i wanted to be in the entire time-space contiuum. so i layed in my bed, visualizing the most ideal place i could be and now i will attempt to transcribe this magnificent vision into words:

i slowly wake up in a king-size canopied bed with white sheets and a pale green down comforter. the sun is glimmering off dew-soaked trees outside large, unpaneled windows to my left. i roll over to glance at the alarm clock which reads "9:30" and spring out of bed in a panic because where are the kids?! i wrap myself in my robe and race down the spiral staircase to find my husband and identical blonde twin boys (skyler and ___) playing video games in the family room. the remnants of my husband's endearing attempt to cook breakfast are strewn across the kitchen. without diverting thier eyes from the TV my 5-yr old boys holler "morning mom!" almost in unison. my husband pauses the game and my sons mumble complaints and make pretend gagging noises while we exchange a morning hug. i wander into the kitchen, grab a cold pancake from the table, throw a few of the dishes into the sink, then head back into the family room, snatch the fourth nintendo controller, and proceed to kick my family's ace in mario kart.

obviously it was much better in my head. the point is, this morning i woke up and wanted nothing more than to skip this awkward, capricious time in my life and get to the good stuff. even if it is nothing like the scenario i created above, i am confident i will eventually have the most important part of that which is a family of my own. and a husband who loves me unconditionally even when i just woke up and my hair is crazy and i have no make-up on. yeah, that too.

i donno, i just laughed really hard at this.

campaignforrealbeauty.com

i have strep and a fever and i am exhausted. but i can't go to sleep because i need trisha's help on some dumb homework and she is at a birthday partay, so i will continue watching seh and the city in my underwear and eat ice because it feels good on my throat and fever.

today was cool. i fed a dirty white horse some carrots in the snow and went to the doctor which was an undeniably uncomfortable encounter. i also signed my soul away to Gold's gym. i feel trapped and will probably cancel the contract tomorrow so my mom can call me and say "i told you so." cool.

early this afternoon i was attempting to nap when my dad texted me and i leapt out of bed in a panic. after that i couldn't go back to sleep and decided to recreate my life to-do list. then i added "transcribe life to-do list" to my daily to-do list and felt moderately productive. you can find the abridged version of my list on the right side of this blog.

a few minutes ago i had a panic attack because my teeth aren't perfectly straight. then i took a second to rethink that superficial spasm, watched campaignforrealbeauty.com a couple times, and resolved to do my best to embrace my imperfections. yeah, thats all i have to say.

thou shalt not covet

i can't stop looking at pictures of mary-kate and wishing to be her.
the good news is she is 21.5 so i have 1.5 years to become that cool.
i'm starting today, with something small, like buying more jewelry and a scale.